Ability Scores: Beyond Tomatoes

Miles Kington was a British journalist and upright bass player who invented a fictional language (Franglais; a mash-up of French and English). He also has a really memorable quote that reminds me of Dungeons & Dragons. The quote goes like this: “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” So let’s talk about tomatoes and your ability scores.

Firstly, by now we’ve seen the 4chan image all over the internet– but this takes things a bit further (you know, for fun).

If I could misquote Miles on purpose (which he would not have appreciated, being a journalist) I would change his quote to read “Intelligence is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in fruit salad.” Now I’ve got two out of my six ability scores. So let’s go ahead, take a leap, and finish out the other four with some quotes of our own, in an effort to understand what the different ability scores represent in Dungeons & Dragons. We’ll even do some variations on Miles’s quote as a creative exercise.

“Strength is how hard you can throw a tomato; Athletics is being able to throw that tomato squarely over the plate into the strike zone.”

“Constitution is how many tomatoes you can be pelted with; Fortitude is not getting sick if a rotten one gets in your mouth.”

“Dexterity is how well you can dodge a tomato that was thrown at you; Sleight of Hand is being able to catch that same tomato mid-air without it breaking.”

“Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Investigation is finding out who at the FDA decided to classify it as a vegetable. History is knowing when that happened.”

“Wisdom is knowing not to use tomato in a fruit salad, perception is noticing that someone is mistakenly putting tomatoes into a fruit salad from across the room.”

“Charisma is convincing someone that fruit salad made with tomatoes is delicious; Performance is doing an Infomercial about it.”

Hope you enjoyed that.

Until next time, may your dice roll true.